ok I’ve gotta tell ya’ll about something that’s been happening in my personal life. Last fall there was a creepy guy hanging around the library giving me the heebie jeebies. Now, I get asked for my phone number and hit on at the reference desk all the time, normally I’m like hey – I’m working here and basically in a nice, socially acceptable way, that wont get me fired, I tell the guy to piss off. But this guy was creepy. So the rest of the staff teamed up to find out his name and to allow me to just walk away from the desk whenever he came in. Well I hadn’t seen him in a bit, but on Saturday when I went home for lunch he was at the business across the street from my house. Now the city I live in isn’t that big, but my house is sort of out of the way, so it was odd that he was there. So I come out of my house and I see this guy and I think – That’s the guy! so I’m looking at him and he turns at looks at me and I know it’s him and he’s seen me so I get in my car and leave, and pretty much freak out. I called several friends and people were generally great. I did end up calling the police and just making them aware of the situation, because on the crazy scale, you never know if someone is just you know, like a 10 or a 100 and you don’t really wanna take that risk. I hate the idea that someone who could be a 100 on the crazy scale knows where I live. I hate that I feel so scared and helpless and alone.
I’ve barely been sleeping and when I have, I have terrible nightmares. I had a stalker when I was younger and I don’t’ understand why I attract them, I am probably the least friendly librarian here and in fact many of the staff and my friends have joked about it the last couple of days. Who knows. I’ve talked about this non stop since it happened and everyone has an opinion. The funny thing is what you learn about other people, that people you would have bet your life on being there for you aren’t, that people you never would have dreamed of asking for help just gave it freely, that for some reason a very human response to a situation like this is to blame the victim because if you admit that they didn’t do anything to deserve it and that it can just happen to anyone then you have to it admit that it could happen to you and that’s scary. I was sort of getting better, you know a little everyday and then tonight I found out he was in the library again today. I have a bagillion feelings about this, including a complete melt down, at least it wasn’t my house and sort of wishing I had seen him because I feel like I might have been able to gauge his place on the crazy scale. Regardless I’m back to no sleep tonight.
I thought about not posting at all because I don’t want him to have any influence on me or my life or admit that he’s affecting me in anyway. So why I am telling ya’ll this? I guess it’s part of my way of dealing with it. I’m all over the board emotionally, but for some reason I seem to feel like the more people who know the safer I am. I did consider deleting the blog completely, I don’t totally go out of my way to hide my identity and while the blog is out there for everyone to read and lots of “strangers” do, the idea that someone with malicious intent is reading it, is well just fucking creepy. But for now I’m keeping it. I promise to get back to your regularly scheduled program soon, it’s just, I’m not feeling all that normal right now.